Florida Was Dante’s Idea

“Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”
~ Dante Alighieri ~ 

Let’s talk about why Florida is evil.
In no particular order:

Item #1 — You can’t get cold water. At certain times of the year you just can’t get it. It doesn’t occur naturally. For example, come summer, which is defined as  “every month that is not December or January”, all water in the state is body temperature or more. Now don’t get me wrong. Water like this is fan-freakin’-tastic if you are on a ski-trip, in an outdoor sauna with a person you refer to as “baby” and an absolutely open schedule. This water is even wonderful if you just pushed every limit you have (and found a few new ones) in the gym, and it’s flowing out of a high-volume shower-head directly onto muscles that are quivering in fear that you might ask them to do something else. On the other hand, scalding water flowing out of your kitchen tap when you tried to set it to ‘cold’ is a little bit shocking. Water in Florida has to be artificially cold-ed. (That’s right. I’m making up words again. ‘Cooled’ doesn’t work because I don’t want ‘cool’ water, I want ‘cold’ water.)

Item #2 — There is a complete lack of terrain…. of any kind. Now, “terrain” is usually expressed in terms of elevation and slope. And in Florida, “elevation” is always ‘1’ or less, and “slope” is generally defined as “m = Δy/Δx”. A quick and reasonably open-minded search of the internet tells us that terrain is very important in determining weather patterns. Which explains why Florida doesn’t have any of those either. All of Florida’s weather is imported, either from the north and west (generally clear and calm) or from Africa (you’ll need a new roof). Terrain is also vital for navigation, especially aerial navigation. This is why the Everglades looks like the junkyard from the movie My Science Project. It’s a scientific fact (almost) that such vast stretches of boredom actually have a hypnotic effect on planes making them want to die and pulling them out of the atmosphere.

Item #3 — Florida is filled with the walking dead. This is one of the places in the world where people go to… well, not die. Dying usually involves more not-moving (or at least slower), less driving (badly), and well, if you’ve ever seen a zombie movie, there might be exactly the same amount of being ungodly rude. No, this isn’t where people go to die. More like, this is where they go to congeal and do their best to horrify as many people as possible before decaying. All of this is especially true of South Florida. In fact, “Boca Raton” is a perfect anagram for “Boat Acorn” which may, or may not mean anything at all… Hey, I deal only in facts here.

Item #4 — As a state with it’s fingers in a lot of tourism, it is expensive! The closest beach has metered parking for blocks around the water. I walked up to the kiosk with my little ziplock bag of quarters and entered my parking space number. The machine then had the audacity to demand $5 (yes, even the machines are rude). Not for the day… no, no, no. $5 PER HOUR. I looked with sinking heart at my sad little bag of quarters and realized I didn’t even have $5 in there. It’s a good thing the infernal machine takes credit cards… — Now, they try to moderate the tourism thing a little bit by giving “resident discounts”. For example, Disney World in Orlando is discounted for Florida residents. The basic, “Weekday Select Pass” costs $185.31 for every person over 10 years old. There are blackout dates, no lodging, and parking is not included. The ONLY thing cheaper is the “Epcot After 4 Pass” for $156.36. That’s a $30 difference for 1/4th the site access and half the time frame. But your a resident. You can go anytime! You might want to try the Annual Pass… for $403.64. It’s a good thing there’s a monthly payment plan. And these are the “Local” prices. Heaven help you if you have 3 kids, airfare, and hotel on top of all this.

Item #5 — Disney.    …I mean, yeah…     ‘Nuff said.

Item #6 — The environment wants to kill you. On the land you will have to deal with Fire Ants, which are the Official State Nightmare. The fire ant queen can live for 6-7 years and produce 1500 eggs per day. That means that every queen represents at least 3,285,000 more units of concentrated evil. It’s now been found that individual colonies can have 5 or more queens in them so it’s no surprise that walking on the ground in Florida should be strictly avoided. Oh yeah, and if you try to leave, the fire ants build boats out of themselves and set-sail to come on after you. Winning is not an option. — Other than ocean-going colonies of venomous insects, the water contains alligators. When not dining on the small dogs that are native to Florida environs, they can be found chewing on your leg. — The Everglades, as a whole, have taken this whole project to a new and exciting level. Like a mad scientist, it has been combining dangerous things into more dangerous things. It’s been breeding Hybrid Super-Snakes, 14′ long and meaner than a Wal-Mart cashier pulling a double shift. That’s right… that link has pictures of a snake eating deer and antelope. Those are the ‘normal’ snakes. — The only place that wants to kill humans more than Florida, is Australia.

Item #7 — I know I mentioned the Land up there but this is a totally subjective distinction. There isn’t any ‘real’ land. Living on Florida is like living on the surface of a water bed. If you dig more than 1 foot deep into the ground you will fall into the ocean and drown. Florida has never known earthquakes. This isn’t because they don’t happen, but because the ground already undulates with the tides and no one would know the difference.

A Dream Fulfilled

Back in October I began a full-fledged obsession. And then, just about 3-months later to the day, on the 21st of January, 2011, I got my Jeep!

RAWR!

I took the day off work for this, got into my old Ford F-150, and made the trip to Arrigo Dodge Crysler Jeep of West Palm Beach. I had been in there back in December looking and wanting, and I had left empty-handed. This time I knew something of what to expect. I devoted the entire day to the ordeal of trying to “haggle” with professional hagglers… when I don’t haggle. I don’t bluff; I don’t gamble; I play the occasional poker game, but I wouldn’t say I’m very good at it. No, I’m not used to this idea that the price I’m looking at isn’t really the price at all, but is merely a suggestion which is flexible.

The story details are sordid and read like a cheap novel. They are full of lies, altered-truths, creative justifications, enticements, manipulations, false-facades, and backstabs. For all of the assertions that “I’m just being honest here”, no one was really honest in the 5 hours I spent at that dealership. — And that’s just par for the course in my opinion. I’m not blaming anyone. This is not to say that the sales associate himself, Mr. John Clark, was not a nice guy. He really was. I could see us getting along, he and I, quite personable. The Finance fellow, on the other hand, a Mr. Lennox Young, he and I will never get along. Perhaps it was just a personality clash, but he rubbed me the wrong way, got my fur up, as it were, from the first handshake. Seemingly rather negative in one moment and then defensive over some perceived comment the next, saying he was “on my side” when it never really felt like it. Then, when I became inflexible with him, he closed off and became “strictly paperwork”, radiating offendedness. Well, I got a final number I could work with, so maybe I won. I’ll never really know who won these little battles of will. But, after 5 hours, when all was said and done…

…I drove off that lot in a brand new, jet-black, 2011 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited Rubicon with more options than I had ever really expected. It meets, and in several ways exceeds, my “wish list” vehicle from when I built one virtually on the Jeep website. It’s bigger and stronger, more agile and durable, … it rates remarkably high on my “ideal vehicle” scale. Feasibly, the only way to get higher on that scale at this point would be to trick it out with after-market goodies (or pay it off completely!… or both). No, the color is not what I was tentatively angling for, but it is beautiful none-the-less and I love it. Black was on my short-list of colors, and I turned down one vehicle on the lot that was a rather strange green color.

What’s terrifying is the idea that I have taken on, what is for me, an enormous debt. I think I was in shock for a time that first weekend over how much money I had spent… or at least committed to spending. The good news is that it can be paid off early without penalty, so just as soon as I win the lottery, it’s all good!

I simply cannot wait for the coming sunny days and clear weather. Off comes the top! Off come the doors! To the beach! It is a pleasure just to drive again. It doesn’t matter where I’m going as long as I’m going in my Jeep. The last time I felt that was in Hawaii when I had my new motorcycle. Riding about just to be doing it! This Jeep and I, we vibrate at the same frequency. We are suited, one to another. … It needs a name.

On a side note for my Inner Techie/Geek: I found a fun little app for my phone, called Tops Off!.

Link to the Tops Off! app on the Android Market. If you don't know what this image is, you probably don't need it. ;)

It grabs the weather report for your area, via GPS,  and lets you know how favorable the conditions are for taking the top down on your vehicle. As the rating goes up the little Jeep climbs higher on the hill. I can’t wait to use it.

The next step: I need to find some terrain! There is a Jeep club a ways south of where I’m at, and another a ways north. (Their websites are pretty bad. Not encouraging… Websites are pretty much cake to create these days.) The best I can figure, these groups head inland and play in the swamp. There are no hills to speak of around here, so that must be it. I think I may have to locate an event, and plan on attending, with one of these groups. I need to get off-road, learn how to do it and what it’s like! This beast needs to get its feet dirty, find some rocks and some mud, and I might be wise to do this with people who know what they’re doing. …And who can pull me out if I should get stuck. ;)

I also need to plan a road trip. Thinking back, I have always bonded, built trust, with a vehicle by traveling. Some long way with a stop and a stay. Just the two of us seeing new places and maybe sleeping under the stars, working our way through little towns and across mountains. Spending time together basically. I need to take a week or two and go somewhere. I must ponder on that.

All in all, while scary in some places, I think this came out nicely. I want to maintain this investment well and I would love for it to be running in 20 years like some of these other old Jeeps I see out there on the road.

The best compliment I’ve had so far: “It suits you.”

As I thought it might.
Hell yes. ;)

New Year’s and the Gym — Heart, Head, & Hand

A heart to resolve, a head to contrive, a hand to execute.
~ Edward Gibbon ~

Well, it’s THAT time of year again. A time of slowly lengthening days; a time of dwindling winter; a time of freshness and newness; …and a time of New Year’s Resolutioners in the gym.

(I spent a large part of this morning thinking that I had been the first person to come up with that clever term “resolutioner”. But a short trip through the Google-verse quickly told me that I was less clever than I had thought. I think I better like the latinate form Resolutionista though. It makes me think of trendy, over-priced coffee shops and fashionable people. …A lot like the kind of people I’m talking about here.)

Every January, the gym sees an influx of new faces, flushed with determination and a purposeful look in their eyes. They show up full of intentions and drive… but very little knowledge or thought. For a few weeks the gym floor get’s a little bit crowded and the regulars, the “locals” if you will, look on these “tourists” with resignation. It happens every year and, rest assured, things will be more or less back to normal by March at the latest. While they may be driven, and determined, invariably, these people are pretending to do a great deal of work and largely accomplishing nothing. They have notoriously bad form, and even worse manners and etiquette, but they made a resolution and this will be the year to make it happen! *cough*

It just has to be endured I suppose. Soon enough, these people will fall away. Making an actual change becomes too hard. They’re goals aren’t really as important to them as they thought they were in the heat of the New Year. And yet, there is a chance, a small, struggling chance, that the Gym Crew will gain a new member or two. Out of the many, a couple may actually be serious about their decision.

Determination gives you the resolve to keep going in spite of the roadblocks that lay before you.
~ Denis Waitley ~

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am all for people who want to make a serious decision and a life-change. But that’s what it has to be — a change in the way a person lives. For the majority, that is not what will happen in these first weeks. “January” is a fad, not a life-change. What I am completely against is the person who makes a half-hearted effort and then gives up a month later when their “fad-routine” fails to produce much of anything or they get bored with it.

If you are one of the “tourists”, and you actually want to make a difference and become a “local”, here are a couple of hints:

1. Learn. — Think about what you are doing. Ask questions. Many of the regulars will be very cool people who will be willing to answer questions and talk about this thing they love doing. The chances are pretty good that the big, mean-looking guy is actually pretty friendly when you get him talking about his favorite hobby. A lot of them remember when they first started in the gym and how someone helped show them the ropes and get them started. But don’t just accept, think about what they tell you and do some reading. This is research, learning, and you should approach it critically and with thought.
2. Stick to it. — It has got to become a habit. Keep going and work through that period wherein you loose that shiny New Year’s Resolution glow. Because it will happen. If you are serious, then make it work. If not, then leave and you will be forgotten.
3. Look up Gym Etiquette. — Or better yet, just be nice. I know, I know, strange concept, but it really is a good way to go. For example: Put your weights away when you’re finished with them. Don’t block equipment you aren’t directly using. Ask people before you just walk in and start using something they may be using. Don’t just walk right up behind that guy holding 400#’s in the air. Wait an extra 30-seconds, because he’s concentrating on something. Be nice. Be friendly. Don’t be a jerk.
4. Don’t brag and boast. — Do not, under any circumstances, be egotistical about what you “can lift”. If you can put up 315# on the bench, good for you. Now show me. Better yet, show me you know how to work hard and with good form no matter how much weight you’re using. That would be worth more. But in either case: Your word is meaningless.

There are lists and lists of these things and we could add far more. However, I think these are key. You can extrapolate most of the others from these basics.

The gym is not a playground, it’s a place to do good work. So don’t be a ‘tourist’, and you’ll make ‘local’ status as you pay your dues under the weights.

Will I see you out there in March? How about June? We shall see…

A Travel Quote

I was surfing around, checking out some other featured blogs and posts and I came across the following question: Fellow Travelers, Does This Quote Describe You Too?, asked by a Mr. Fidel Hart.

Well, I had to check it out, and I was rewarded with a great quote attributed to one Anthony Bourdain.

“…travel can become a compulsion. It keeps us away from friends and loved ones — even when we’re back. When I’m away, I often yearn for home. When I’m home, I’m listless. I seem no longer to fit. History and literature are filled with characters who see Asia, or Venice, and can never go back to the way they were.” ~~ Anthony Bourdain

…And I find myself able to relate.

I just want to go. I find that after a time in one place that I no longer fit. There are still places to see and things to encounter.

From reading some of the comments on that post I think I also need to look up this Anthony Bourdain and see what else he has to say.

~b

The Obsession Continues…

Last Friday I had the day off.

Against advice, I decided the time had come: No more would I speculate and dream from afar! No more would I mindlessly paw through Google Images for action shots of my Ideal! No longer would I wonder about the things I did not know! I would seek knowledge! I would take action! I would go… to the Jeep Dealership.

I nearly turned around and called off the excursion before I got there, but “It couldn’t hurt to look.” I said.

The facility was enormous. The winding roads ensured that a potential customer would see plenty of glistening product. In fact, I even saw a glorious, bright-red Wrangler Unlimited perched atop an outcropping of faux-cliff, lazily sunning itself in it’s simulated natural habitat! By the time I had reached the Customer Parking, after passing row upon row of shiny new-ness, I was feeling a bit self-conscious about the slightly noisy, 12-year old truck I was in. But I parked in the lot and proceeded to walk through those big glass doors.

The man I ended up working with (or, being worked-over by, depending on your point of view), John, was a really nice guy (aren’t they all?). He arranged for me to test-drive an ’07 2-door Wrangler that we found in the lot. I had driven a Jeep in Hawaii a long, long time ago. So long ago, in fact, that I have to almost consider this my “first-time”… And I loved it.

After that we walked around the lots a bit more and took a look at the new inventory. He was showing me specimens that met my only real requirement, manual transmission. Maybe it’s Florida, maybe it’s just lazy new-fangled drivers… but manuals are a little bit sparse.

…And there it was. A 2010 Wrangler Unlimited, large wheels, tow-hitch, manual, …it smelled fantastic! It was a rather interesting dark-orange color that I found quite nice to look at though, if I had been asked beforehand, I don’t think I would have liked the thought of. It had the “Mountain” trim… which may only mean it had “Mountain” decals on the hood and a little bit of stitching on the seats, but which I thought of as “perfect”.

Soon thereafter, I found myself sitting in front of a desk and John was making his first trip to “confer with his supervisor”. They appraised my truck for trade-in value and the number he gave me was right at what I expected for it. My credit was run and confirmed to be excellent (and no smoke there, I know what my score is). It wasn’t long before I got “the line”: “I’ve gotta introduce you to this guy or I get in trouble…” as he waved over the floor-supervisor. Ah, round two…

It was close. But the payments were just a touch off. It was difficult — especially with the tag-team peer-pressure I was enduring from the now actively-involved supervisor! — but I walked out that day. Looking back on the whole situation I am amused to recognize all the little tactics and games that were played. Misdirection is something I’m familiar with and this ended up being fun in a way. I left thinking “Well played gentlemen. Well played.”

I think I will try to hold-out to the end of next month. At that time I will go back to reevaluate the inventory and, hopefully, there will be a positive change in my finances which will give me more room to talk. If I’m really lucky, the vehicle I was looking at will still be there, but I’m prepared to start over looking if it’s not. This will be the very biggest thing I have ever spent money on and it has to be as right as I can make it. I’m trying to look at this as a time to “sleep-on-it” and avoid an impulsive buy.

Yeah… that’s it…

~b